The boy that wasn't ours...

  Today I’m writing about the boy that wasn’t ours.  To some it might seem odd or they might even roll their eyes that we even feel a loss but to others; those who have experienced it themselves, know all too well the heart ache.  I have hesitated to share this for multiple reasons, people judging us that we feel a loss, the disappointment it brings to think about it and partially the embarrassment and insecurity it makes me feel about what other adoptive couples will think when they hear our story.  But I have felt the need to share, maybe for someone else and maybe because it is cleansing for my soul to let it out.

  Even though we came to terms with our answers months ago now that his due date is here the ache is back.  The reminder of what might have been.  Even though I never held him in my arms I mourn the thought of him, the vision of what could have been our lives with our baby boy.  What we would have named him, what he would have looked like.  When you have something you have hoped for so close to grasp, just to be reminded it’s not really your choice it’s God’s.  Our testimonies were strengthened that God will truly speak to you when you seek him.  We very clearly received our answer, even though it seemed the universe and everyone else was telling us YES.  Who knows how things would have been different, but very clearly in our hearts we knew he wasn’t ours but was meant for someone else.

    Stepping back a few months to give a brief back story; I say brief because this experience really occurred over several months and it would take a novel to truly share all of the emotions and experiences that occurred.  A month or two before Zach graduated we had started talking about the possibility of adopting again.  My sister in-law and one of our adoption friends had recently adopted through the same lawyer.  After talking to both of them about it we decided we were interested.  So I contacted the lawyer, I called, text and e-miled and never heard back.  So after 2-3 months Zach and I both felt that was our answer, we weren’t meant to adopt again.  The very next week after we came to this conclusion I received a phone call from the lawyer saying he was sorry he hadn’t gotten to me sooner and he gave me tons of info.  I told him I would be in touch after talking to Zach.  Zach and I fasted, prayed, got bishop council and received blessings.  We decided we would not contact the lawyer until we were certain we wanted to move forward.  

  The next week the lawyer contacted us on his own about the perfect adoption situation for us!  It was a boy, birthmom was young, healthy and wanted an open adoption.  To us this was the huge, we hadn't seeked out this opportunity it was coming to us!  Yet we hesitated, this adoption was going to be a huge financial reach for us so we thought that maybe that was our hesitation.  We decided we would push forward and if everything fell into place that meant it was right.  Well everything fell into place perfectly, the loan, the home improvements yet we still felt unsure.  We once again fasted and received blessings.  I remember vividly my brother giving me a blessing that my soul desperately needed to hear about concerns with other things in my life I hadn't expressed to anyone but not pertaining to the adoption.  He told me my path would soon become clear (something I was told in multiple blessings over a 3 month period).  I remember after the blessing my brother telling me "you already have your answer, I think you know" I smiled but thought “um no seriously I don't have a clue.”  I looked at my Dad who had tears streaming down his face and out of no where shared a story from when he was Bishop and was giving callings.  Later I asked my Dad if he knew what our answer was that night and he said “yes but I knew that it needed to be you who came to that answer.”  I have never had more respect for my Dad then I did when he told me that.  He was crying because his heart hurt for me, because he knew the answer would hurt me.  He knew how desperately I wanted/needed the answer but he listened to the spirit tell him I needed to find it on my own.  How grateful I am that he did.

  After that night we both were left feeling even more unsure and decided to attend the temple together again.  Within the first 10 minutes of the session I was overwhelmed with emotion, for a brief moment I thought what is going on this is not a very touching part of the session but then for some reason I imagined in my mind telling my friend Katy "he's not my baby".  Then very clearly I heard “He is not your baby, he’s someone elses”.  I won’t lie my eyes filled with tears as I felt/heard those words and for a brief moment I thought “why not, this isn’t fair” but quickly I remembered that for 2 weeks I had prayed and fasted for a straight forward loud answer.  Needless to say the ride home from the temple that night was full of peace and lots of tears from both of us.

  I have never had Satan test me like this before, we could have still pushed forward with the adoption and no one would have thought a thing, it was a righteous desire, to the outside world it was great and there would be no judgment.  But we knew, we knew in our souls what we had to do.  We knew that for whatever reason we were not what was meant to be for this baby boy, God had another plan for us and for him.

  Calling the lawyer was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.  To the outside world we were saying no to everything we had said we wanted, on paper it didn't make sense to say no.  Thankfully we had told minimal people so we didn’t have to deal with explaining it to everyone.

  So many times in life we pray for things that are "good" and our answer is no and even though it is hard there is always peace at knowing your prayers were answered.  But this time an ache was left in my heart along with the peace.  I'm in no way saying I'm mad at God but for the first time (yes I have had my answers be no many times) my heart still aches.

    So today I let my heart tug a little at my soul let myself feel the ache of what might have been.  I'm letting myself feel disappointed that today I'm not loading a plane, I'm not rushing into the hospital to pick up my baby boy.  Today I'm imagining another couple (the right couple) do all of these things. 

  But only for a today because I’m quickly reminded of all the times God has said “yes”.  “Yes” to my two beautiful girls, “Yes” to having my eternal companion be Zach and “Yes” to so many other countless things.  Tomorrow I will remember that adoption really is a spiritual thing and that babies really are meant to be with the “right” families. Tomorrow I will know in my heart that “my baby” is still out there, that somewhere there is a birthmom who will see us and just know and when we see her we will know too.   But just for today I'm letting myself feel and acknowledge all the emotions for the boy that was wasn't ours.