Spring Break Send Off

  We spent our last day of Spring Break in Arbon.  Grandpa Vance had knee surgery a couple weeks ago and the girls haven't seen him since.  Also Jessica planned a little birthday lunch for him while most of us were visiting.  Our girls love Arbon, of coarse because it has some of their favorite people but because they LOVE being outside, all the animals and other activities Arbon has to offer.

 Kooper showing Keagan the horses

 The kiddos checking out Larins cow checking suburban

 Horse walker fun

Eric and Keke giving some attitude

 Grandpa Vance showing the kiddos his walker and giving them a lift

 Grandpa Vance showing off his scares

 Seriously!!!  Taking pictures with my Sissy and Mom.....impossible ;)!!!

 Shay got her birthday sucker REALLY late this year....

she was not impressed everyone else wanted a lick!!!

 Hanna and Grandpa

 Kim and Sam

 Keagan LOVES to tell Grandpa Vance her stories

 Hanna and Mattie made sure Cleo didn't feel left out

 Mr. Wyatt decorated Grandpa's birthday cakes

 Keagan, Grandpa Vance, Morgan and Mattie

 Kooper, Katie and photo bomber Morgan ; )

FYI he asked me if he could do it before he did...seriously love this kid

Kooper and Sam

Larin

Zach recruited helpers this time around

Katie and Shay making hamburger patties

Zach on grill duty...as always...seriously I can't even eat anyone elses hamburgers anymore

It was so dang windy in Arbon Zach had to pull the grill into the shop

Keke and Eric 

These two have a special bond over cheetos ; ) 

 Grandpa had a LOT of cute helpers to blow out his candles

  After lunch and cake Larin drove us up to see the baby cows.  Okay I had my camera out to take pictures and then Heather, Larin and I had a conversation about when did we become these people that took pictures of stuff like this, we grew up with this everyday and now we are acting like a bunch of city people getting all excited about cows lol.  I couldn't let my pride take a picture of my kids petting a cow after that lol, trust me they did it and they have and will do it lots more times.  But I did find it ok to take a picture of this baby that had milk on his nose ; ).  Keke was so excited and kept saying "warin, baby ilk on it nose, ilk on it nose!"

 Got Milk?

  After cows we headed back down to the arena to sling shot some water balloons. 

 All the fun of the day wore Wyatt out

 I must admit I was a little scared to take this picture ; )

 Trying out Grandpas walker

This gem is another reason we went to Arbon,

my Uncle Jerry made this for my girls and it's pretty amazing!!!

  We had a great Spring Break and spending our last day in Arbon was the perfect way to end it.  The kids played none stop together, we enjoyed Zach's awesome bacon burgers and got to visit with everyone.  Now we are ready to jump back into real life on Monday!

The boy that wasn't ours...

  Today I’m writing about the boy that wasn’t ours.  To some it might seem odd or they might even roll their eyes that we even feel a loss but to others; those who have experienced it themselves, know all too well the heart ache.  I have hesitated to share this for multiple reasons, people judging us that we feel a loss, the disappointment it brings to think about it and partially the embarrassment and insecurity it makes me feel about what other adoptive couples will think when they hear our story.  But I have felt the need to share, maybe for someone else and maybe because it is cleansing for my soul to let it out.

  Even though we came to terms with our answers months ago now that his due date is here the ache is back.  The reminder of what might have been.  Even though I never held him in my arms I mourn the thought of him, the vision of what could have been our lives with our baby boy.  What we would have named him, what he would have looked like.  When you have something you have hoped for so close to grasp, just to be reminded it’s not really your choice it’s God’s.  Our testimonies were strengthened that God will truly speak to you when you seek him.  We very clearly received our answer, even though it seemed the universe and everyone else was telling us YES.  Who knows how things would have been different, but very clearly in our hearts we knew he wasn’t ours but was meant for someone else.

    Stepping back a few months to give a brief back story; I say brief because this experience really occurred over several months and it would take a novel to truly share all of the emotions and experiences that occurred.  A month or two before Zach graduated we had started talking about the possibility of adopting again.  My sister in-law and one of our adoption friends had recently adopted through the same lawyer.  After talking to both of them about it we decided we were interested.  So I contacted the lawyer, I called, text and e-miled and never heard back.  So after 2-3 months Zach and I both felt that was our answer, we weren’t meant to adopt again.  The very next week after we came to this conclusion I received a phone call from the lawyer saying he was sorry he hadn’t gotten to me sooner and he gave me tons of info.  I told him I would be in touch after talking to Zach.  Zach and I fasted, prayed, got bishop council and received blessings.  We decided we would not contact the lawyer until we were certain we wanted to move forward.  

  The next week the lawyer contacted us on his own about the perfect adoption situation for us!  It was a boy, birthmom was young, healthy and wanted an open adoption.  To us this was the huge, we hadn't seeked out this opportunity it was coming to us!  Yet we hesitated, this adoption was going to be a huge financial reach for us so we thought that maybe that was our hesitation.  We decided we would push forward and if everything fell into place that meant it was right.  Well everything fell into place perfectly, the loan, the home improvements yet we still felt unsure.  We once again fasted and received blessings.  I remember vividly my brother giving me a blessing that my soul desperately needed to hear about concerns with other things in my life I hadn't expressed to anyone but not pertaining to the adoption.  He told me my path would soon become clear (something I was told in multiple blessings over a 3 month period).  I remember after the blessing my brother telling me "you already have your answer, I think you know" I smiled but thought “um no seriously I don't have a clue.”  I looked at my Dad who had tears streaming down his face and out of no where shared a story from when he was Bishop and was giving callings.  Later I asked my Dad if he knew what our answer was that night and he said “yes but I knew that it needed to be you who came to that answer.”  I have never had more respect for my Dad then I did when he told me that.  He was crying because his heart hurt for me, because he knew the answer would hurt me.  He knew how desperately I wanted/needed the answer but he listened to the spirit tell him I needed to find it on my own.  How grateful I am that he did.

  After that night we both were left feeling even more unsure and decided to attend the temple together again.  Within the first 10 minutes of the session I was overwhelmed with emotion, for a brief moment I thought what is going on this is not a very touching part of the session but then for some reason I imagined in my mind telling my friend Katy "he's not my baby".  Then very clearly I heard “He is not your baby, he’s someone elses”.  I won’t lie my eyes filled with tears as I felt/heard those words and for a brief moment I thought “why not, this isn’t fair” but quickly I remembered that for 2 weeks I had prayed and fasted for a straight forward loud answer.  Needless to say the ride home from the temple that night was full of peace and lots of tears from both of us.

  I have never had Satan test me like this before, we could have still pushed forward with the adoption and no one would have thought a thing, it was a righteous desire, to the outside world it was great and there would be no judgment.  But we knew, we knew in our souls what we had to do.  We knew that for whatever reason we were not what was meant to be for this baby boy, God had another plan for us and for him.

  Calling the lawyer was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.  To the outside world we were saying no to everything we had said we wanted, on paper it didn't make sense to say no.  Thankfully we had told minimal people so we didn’t have to deal with explaining it to everyone.

  So many times in life we pray for things that are "good" and our answer is no and even though it is hard there is always peace at knowing your prayers were answered.  But this time an ache was left in my heart along with the peace.  I'm in no way saying I'm mad at God but for the first time (yes I have had my answers be no many times) my heart still aches.

    So today I let my heart tug a little at my soul let myself feel the ache of what might have been.  I'm letting myself feel disappointed that today I'm not loading a plane, I'm not rushing into the hospital to pick up my baby boy.  Today I'm imagining another couple (the right couple) do all of these things. 

  But only for a today because I’m quickly reminded of all the times God has said “yes”.  “Yes” to my two beautiful girls, “Yes” to having my eternal companion be Zach and “Yes” to so many other countless things.  Tomorrow I will remember that adoption really is a spiritual thing and that babies really are meant to be with the “right” families. Tomorrow I will know in my heart that “my baby” is still out there, that somewhere there is a birthmom who will see us and just know and when we see her we will know too.   But just for today I'm letting myself feel and acknowledge all the emotions for the boy that was wasn't ours.  

More Spring Break Fun

Thursday

  For Thursday's fun the girls and I did nails, even Cleos!!!  Then we headed out for pictures with one of our favorite people, my friend Adrianne.  I let the girls pick their clothes and their hair this round; a very hard thing for this control freak Mom ; ).  My friend Adrianne is amazing at taking pictures and my girls love her!  It's always fun when we go out with her and this time didn't disappoint.  Keagan was a non stop talker about Barbie and Ken and Kabree was very admit about where and how she was posing.  

  After pictures I got to go out with Heather and my dear friends from college Ashlie and Chelsie, it was just what this Mommy needed and great to catch up.  Zach had a Daddy daughter night of Arctic Circle kids meals and movies with the girls.  They told me it was the best night ever ; ).

Friday

  Friday was a bit of a busy day, we cleaned up the house, ran some errands and I had to make some banana bars for a funeral in our ward.  But luckily for me while I was baking in the kitchen my little helpers were working away cleaning the living room.

  Zach was able to get off a couple hours early so we headed to the Spring Fair.  Matt, Heather and their kids, Larin and Jessica and their kids were all there too.  It was so much fun to see all of the neat stuff and to be able to see family.  The girls got tinsel and chalk in their hair and this Mommy even got them some for home.  Aunt Heather bought all of the kids magnets and we also enjoyed some yummy mini donuts and some snow cones.

   We have had so much fun staying up late, sleeping in, doing crafts and watching movies all day and playing all night.  We are so sad Spring Break is coming to an end and school, dance, soccer, swimming, church callings, real life is getting back into swing.  But we plan on enjoying every last second before it ends!!!!

Skate Night

 For todays family activity we went roller skating.  Heather, Libby, Justice, Hanna, Kimberly, Bella and Whitney all joined us.  Kabree has gotten so good and she cruises like a mad woman around the rink.  When she would crash she would jump up and run at it again.  Keagan decided she wanted skates too, we tried to talk her out of it but she was not having it.  She is a size 7 and the smallest skates they have is a size 9 but she made it work ; ). Keke was actually pretty darn good for a 2 year old skating for the first time.  After tonights success both girls insist they want skates for their birthdays!

 Zach and Kabree ready to hit the rink

 Whit helping Keagan get laced up

Keagan even did a round or two without the walker

 Whitney and Libby

 Kimberly and Bella

 Hanna and her friend

Heather and Justice

 These two rocked skating tonight!!!!

 There might have been one or two run ins

Keagan got tired and decided she needed to catch a ride

We are LOVING our staycation and couldn't be having more fun!!!